Apurva Rathod

1. You are not gonna live forever. Wasting time. And yet lately, I have, too much. 2. Not being mufat enough. 3. That in many ways, I am still a schoolchild, stuck in 9th standard. On the bright side, I still have the conviction in my ideals that I had then. 4. Insincerity. 5. People who internalise stereotypes and overgeneralise. 6. Waiting. Waiting is terrible. 7. 

It hurts. Has hurt a lot. Keeps hurting. Disturbing. Unsettling.  Whatever. 

I read old literature a lot. I have read current literature a lot as well. And even though there is a lot that I disagree on with the philosophies of those old writers, there is still so much wisdom that I do agree with. Wisdom that they gained from their own life and observations.  I can't help but marvel at their eloquence, how they do not use simple English. I highly value how they are able to use complex words which convey so perfectly what they want to convey with such finesse, the way they so fully seem to use the tools that language provides. I disagree with the ones who vehemently purport the use of simple English and laud the skill required to do so. Okay, I agree with the latter, it does require skill and is sometimes needed. But when and where you can use complex English, you should be free to do so. It is playing with words on difficulty high. I aspire to reach there. I do not care much for simple boring sentences that tell you things but do not infuse you with feelings...

Bhang can make you feel disconnected from this world and make you feel like you are drowning inside yourself. A feeling similar to loneliness but not quite it. It is a mix of motion sickness and loneliness. But not as bad as either because it also does not feel real. The feeling of disconnection with this reality is both a bane and a boon. Bane in the sense that being not in touch with reality gives you a sense of lack of control. Scary for someone who prefers being in control and does not like the sense of losing oneself in the world systems by going with the flow. 

You are working out, you are on the last round, last set, few reps left. It feels very difficult to finish. But can you not? Technically, you can. Can your hands and legs and body not move? Well, they can. Let us see how it feels. So I push through. No matter how exhausted you are. You can savour the exhaustion. No matter how drained you feel; you have screaming emotions. But these emotions are also savoursome. I am curious and interested too. What emotions will I go through while I keep going? Experience it. So move. Experience how going through the tough emotions is.  All this pushing may not be healthy, but it gives one proofs of what one can do so that you can push yourself when needed in some other way, again. What all can I do in this world? The world is a complicated challenge whereas working out is simple in comparison. I want to be strong enough with the strength of knowledge and skills to face the world and be able to have a good impact. *** Are emotions traps or gifts? A...

Language amazes me with its uses. At the risk of sounding cliche, I will say, heed my words. Words can either trap you or liberate you. How you label your feelings can either trap you or liberate you. Be accurate in doing so. Sometimes the words that you know or the words that exist are not enough to describe your feelings. So sometimes just feel and acknowledge the feeling over any label that you may have got for it. This is what I have learned over the last few years. Now, one fifth of my life is over.