Apurva Rathod

Bhang can make you feel disconnected from this world and make you feel like you are drowning inside yourself. A feeling similar to loneliness but not quite it. It is a mix of motion sickness and loneliness. But not as bad as either because it also does not feel real. The feeling of disconnection with this reality is both a bane and a boon. Bane in the sense that being not in touch with reality gives you a sense of lack of control. Scary for someone who prefers being in control and does not like the sense of losing oneself in the world systems by going with the flow. 

You are working out, you are on the last round, last set, few reps left. It feels very difficult to finish. But can you not? Technically, you can. Can your hands and legs and body not move? Well, they can. Let us see how it feels. So I push through. No matter how exhausted you are. You can savour the exhaustion. No matter how drained you feel; you have screaming emotions. But these emotions are also savoursome. I am curious and interested too. What emotions will I go through while I keep going? Experience it. So move. Experience how going through the tough emotions is.  All this pushing may not be healthy, but it gives one proofs of what one can do so that you can push yourself when needed in some other way, again. What all can I do in this world? The world is a complicated challenge whereas working out is simple in comparison. I want to be strong enough with the strength of knowledge and skills to face the world and be able to have a good impact. *** Are emotions traps or gifts? A...

Language amazes me with its uses. At the risk of sounding cliche, I will say, heed my words. Words can either trap you or liberate you. How you label your feelings can either trap you or liberate you. Be accurate in doing so. Sometimes the words that you know or the words that exist are not enough to describe your feelings. So sometimes just feel and acknowledge the feeling over any label that you may have got for it. This is what I have learned over the last few years. Now, one fifth of my life is over.

As a kid, there was a time when I thought that loneliness was the worst thing that could happen to you. No matter what you are going through, if you have people with you, it is not so bad. A recent acquaintance on hearing this asked, 'What's worse?' and I replied, 'Concentration camps.' *** Loneliness can be a heavy incapacitating feeling. Ends up giving you existential crises. Still not as bad as motion sickness, I remind myself. Motion sickness reminds me of how dependent on this body I am for having a sense of self, how much I identify with it. This body in which I am living in this realm is mortal. It is scary.  An advantage of loneliness is that you end up being more authentic about your likes, dislikes and interests with society not influencing you much. Will I be able to study with this loneliness? Technically, yes. It is one of the easier challenges of life. To grow, gotta do the easier challenges well first. To gain xp, and level up. I have time, I have boo...